If you take a dump, don't forget to
by Aori Miyu
Summary: What goes around, comes around. But it's all about trollfacing, really. Rated T for a lot of bad language, some violence, and Gintoki being a tease. Oneshot.


**Full title: If you take a dump, don't forget to use the toilet brush after flushing, Because third time's a charm, when one's feet don't listen, but it's all about trollfacing, really**

Warning: really, really mild BL elements. Several retarded sentences in bad Spanish. I don't speak it, and I presume neither does Gintoki, so there's no need for them to be spelled correct.

The idea came to me when I was at the club, needed to pee so badly and faced the same challenge Hijikata encounters in his headquarter's bathroom. I presume the waiters faced Gintoki's challenge. For those who wonder, I chose answer b) and saluted to the gods of hot water and soap.

And thanx to Aimi for being my beta ^^

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><p>Gintoki was standing in the chilly water up to his waist, waves hitting his stomach in a steady rhythm, thinking what the hell was he doing.<p>

"Ah well... At least I can savor the moment." He looked up at the orange sun setting, covering his eyes. His gaze dropped, as he watched the bottle slowly drift farther and farther away from him.

_It worked for Shinpachi, that message in the bottle thing, might as well try it. And take a piss while I'm at it. Yes, that'd be the right thing to do. Might the golden liquid carry the message on it's path of destiny and glory._

He closed his eyes, unzipped his pants and started doing his business, when he was rudely interrupted.

"Oi, bastard, what the hell are you doing? As if littering wasn't enough?", Hijikata was screaming from the shore.

"Oogushi-kun, you're the one throwing cigarettes on the beach."

"Shit head, put that thing away and come out, or I'll make you swim for that bottle."

"My, my, don't be shy now...", he zipped up his pants and turned around, facing Hijikata, "You don't want Gin-san to drown, do you? It's getting pretty dark and..." His foot slipped and the silver haired man lost his balance. His back hit the water surface, vision blurred as salt burned his eyes. _Nice feeling, floating is._ He didn't hear anything, only the humming of the waves. Pure calmness. Closing his eyes, he let the water flow carry him free. Once again, his moment was interrupted when a strong hand gripped his shirt collar and dragged him up.

"What the fuck are you trying to drown and ruin my evening?" Hijikata was wet as Gintoki was, water dripping from his hair, soaked clothes clinging to his body. He didn't even take off his Shinsengumi jacket.

"Mayo bastard, scared of paperwork?"

"I don't want to be the one to tell China and Shinpachi that you died a miraculous drowning after idiotically tripping over yourself. Because you were sending a message in a bottle. And then pissed in the ocean. Must be your idiotic piss trying to kill you."

Gintoki didn't have a humorous retort for that one. It sounded like something that could happen to Madao, though. He let the Shinsengumi vice captain drag him to the shore, and then not gently at all drop him on the rocky surface.

"You ruined my sunset gazing and water drifting, Mayo freak." Gintoki murmured.

"The fuck? I just saved... The fuck, why did I even try." Hijikata took out a cigarette, obviously in a dire need for his way of calmness. _Click. Click. Click. _

If looks could kill, and there was a huge possibility that there's an Amanto who actually could do it, but that wasn't the point, because Hijikata's look made Gintoki shudder with fear and look for a time machine. _Yeah... there isn't one under that rock. _

"You. Fucking. Bastard."

"Hey, hey, Hijikata-han, don't make your effort go to waste by killing me now." Gintoki was subtly trying to get away from the Demonic vice captain, who wasn't ready to let go of the issue.

* * *

><p>Gintoki and Hijikata were standing in front of a dry cleaner's, both only in their boxers. People on the street strolled as quick as they could, stealing weirded out glances.<p>

"You are so going to pay for this, sugar idiot."

"Is that how you repay Gin-san for stripping for you?" Expecting that Hijikata would throw a tantrum, he looked at the other male, who was smirking and muttering something to himself. Once again Gintoki was reminded that Hijikata may be a mayo loving shit head, but still is the Demonic vice captain of Shinsengumi. He felt chills run down his spine.

"Sirs, here are your clothes." The old lady from the dry cleaner's announced and invited them in to get dressed.

The silver haired man was putting on his shoes, tactfully searching for an escape route. Hijikata's uniform looked a bit complicated to put on, and his calculation was right. The black haired man had trouble with his scarf, and still didn't have his jacket on. His katana was near him, in a hand's reach, but the exit was closer to Gintoki. Pretending to be absent minded, he stretched his leg closer to the door, if a need for a jump arises.

_Don't even think about it sugar shit head._ He could feel the words from Hijikata's glare.

There was no way to escape whatever punishment the Demonic vice captain had in mind.

* * *

><p>The curly haired man was standing in front of the bathroom stalls in Shinsengumi headquarters. His eyes popping out, mouth hanging, as he gripped the water bucked in his right hand.<p>

No amount of disgust and thick gloves could ever convey his thoughts.

"Hey, what the hell is this?"

Hijikata's lighter clicked and he could hear the other man inhaling and exhaling the smoke before he answered, perfectly composed.

"Your payment. Or do you actually expect me to choose between going in:

a) the one that has shit up to the seat and the door can't be even closed

b) the one that has shit up to the seat that's pissed all over, but the door can be closed

c) the one that never opens, and god only knows what's in there?"

"You should just burn it to the ground and build a new one." Gintoki answered. "And besides, don't you have other toilets here?"

"This one is closest to my room." Simple as that, the black haired man left the other male who was on the verge of puking. The only thing that stopped him was the fact he was the one in charge of cleaning up.

_Ok. Mexico. I heard it's nice, all sunny and big breasted women. Maybe I'd get a tan, grow a moustache, play in a soap opera or something. "Senorita Aurora, bamos a la plaja. Si si si. Marracas y Mariachi chika." I could totally do it. _

He dropped the cleaning equipment and ran for his life. It flashed right before his eyes when his head hit the opposite wall. The last thing he saw was Okita's sadistic smile, and the world went black.

* * *

><p>Due to getting injured in Shinsengumi's headquarters, he was pardoned of his cleaning duty as a compensation. While being in the hospital, he heard from Shinpachi, who was told by Yamazaki, that the bathroom in question exploded in mysterious circumstances. Gintoki was sure it was Okita's doing, just to spite Hijikata and his little revenge plans. But he was still grateful to the sadistic bastard. Head injury was far better than every other he might have gotten, or caught, cleaning <em>that<em>.

Several days later, he escaped the hospital, even though he had a concussion and had to stay in bed, looking for anything that looked sugary promising. But one thing was bothering him, while he was walking down on the empty street.

_Why the fuck did I choose late at night to escape, when there isn't a damn store opened?_

He settled with drinking himself to a fine stupor, to forget the _sweet, sugary urges. The way it melts in your mouth, falls to your stomach, and then you crave for more. When you lick the spoon clean after a parfait, and then eat the cherry that was on top and spitting the cherry stone on Kagura's forehead. The excruciating pain of a toothache on a late Saturday evening... Wait, what? Pain?_

Coming back to his senses he realized someone kicked him in the jaw, nearly knocking out his precious, precious teeth. He was still feeling a bit air headed from his injury, his reflexes slower, but still returned the punch with all his gratitude.

His attacker, probably a local mugger or some shit like that, landed on the trash can, making a loud noise.

"Don't fuck with injured, sugar deprived Gin-chan." Gintoki said and hit the man with the metal trash can lid, right across his ugly mug. _Beauty comes from heart and violence is not pretty._ Thus, Gintoki deduced, the man was ugly.

"That was a pretty show you put on, Yorozuya." Was that Mayo bastard living for interrupting his most glorious moments or just a plain stalker, menace, trying to kill him with second hand smoking, or whatever else, the silver haired man was not in the mood. He turned around to face the dark haired man.

"Watch it, sugar freak, you might trip again and then I'll have to think of how you can repay me for saving your curly haired ass again."

Hijikata didn't really think that Gintoki would resort to violence. But then again, Hijikata rarely thought before saying anything in front of the other man. And sometimes, payment for that comes due. Gintoki's fist connected with Hijikata's nose, but the punch was too slow and weak and didn't manage to break the bone. And sometimes, you just have to fuck a bit with Gintoki, thus he not so elegantly trips over, for the third, glorious time in this story, on a banana peel that got scattered during the fight with the mugger.

As he was thinking there must be some higher force that wants him dead, or whatever dark deed they have in mind, he felt Hijikata's hand stopping his fall in the pits of embarrassment.

"Didn't I tell you? Shit head." Curiously, there wasn't a glimpse of sarcasm in the black haired man's voice. It was just a simple statement.

"Oi oi, this is too much." Gintoki started laughing, somewhere on the lines of irony and madness.

"Not that I care , but are you ok? I really don't want to witness any more of your embarrassing near death experiences. It's not even funny when you do the same thing three times in a week."

"Just give me sake. Or sugar. Or sweet sake. Or sake parfait."

* * *

><p>Hijikata was mad. <em>What the hell was I thinking?<em> Cursing at himself, he pondered._ Why the fuck did I need to be all nice to that asshole and actually do what he suggested?_

He was dragging the curly haired man, who was dead drunk, passed out after singing some idiotic pop song, but managed to puke all over Hijikata's kimono.

Smelly, wet, with a heavy weight on his back, he kept dragging the idiot to the hospital. He froze.

No, the hospital was a bad idea, the main nurse will probably kill him for bringing in a drunk patient, after helping him get drunk. The Shinsengumi's headquarters was too far away now. China is at Otae's place while Gintoki's at the hospital. And bringing Gintoki to Otae's was the same as taking him to the hospital, worse even. He turned around on the next corner and headed towards Yorozuya's place. There was no other choice.

The door was, as usual, open. Not that there'd be anything to steal, but Hijikata was sure Otose wouldn't approve the fact at all. He dropped the sugar idiot on the couch, his little revenge for this stunt, and went straight to the bathroom to clean up his kimono.

_Of course the idiot doesn't have anything to clean clothes. Or dishes. Or anything. Hell he didn't even pay the water bill, so there's no hot water. Shit_.

Taking the liberty, Hijikata strolled to Gintoki's room, and opened his closet. Not much to choose from, all Gintoki's outfits were the same. _The idiot doesn't have a taste in food, why would he have one in clothes?_

He reached for Gintoki white kimono and put it on. Surprising, it fit him perfectly, but he still hated the color and the tacky blue pattern. He headed back to the living room, finding Gintoki in the same place where he had left him and shook the drunken man vigorously.

"Oi, Yorozuya, I'll be..."

The silver haired man's eyes opened wide in shock, pulled Hijikata by the kimono collar, tossed him on the floor, pinning him down with his knees and arms.

"Shit, Yorozuya what the fuck is wrong with you?" Hijikata tried to move and failed. For a drunk man, Gintoki sure had some strength left in him. "If you have so much strength to fight, you shit head, you could have walked home on your own and puke over yourself."

"Oh. It's just you Oogushi-kun."

"Don't sound so dissappointed you fuck. I should have left you to choke on your vomit somewhere."

"Why are you in my clothes?" Though Gintoki's muscles and face relaxed, but his grip remained firm.

"The hell? Let me go dumbass."

"Why are you wearing Gin-chan's favorite kimono?"

"Erm. All your kimonos are the same. How can you even tell them apart? That's not even the point here, get the fuck off me!"

"Not until you tell me why is the Shinsengumi's vice captain sneaking into the poor Yorozuya office to steal Gin-chan's favorite kimono."

"You puked all over me, you piece of shit, now get the fuck off." Hijikata regretted the day he saved him. All two of them.

Gintoki released his grip, started to get up, but then paused.

"What are you waiting f..." Hijikata's protest was interrupted with Gintoki's mouth. The kiss was not deep, nor intimate, but hard with teeth clashing. Hijikata forgot to breathe, frozen. He remained at that pose, even after Gintoki got up, heading to his room.

"That's my thanks. You can return the kimono after you clean it. Or burn it. It's not my favorite anymore."

Hijikata was at lost with words. He rose to his feet, walked to the door on shaky legs, and managed to scream, before slamming the door with all his might.

"Who needs your thanks, just drop dead somewhere far away next time."

Gintoki smiled. This tactic was good, he didn't leave any room for revenge or payment that might sprout in the Vice captain's mind.

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue <strong>

The demonic vice captain was making his own little ceremony on the beach. He lit up a small fire, pulled out a cloth from a bag that he was holding, and threw the cloth into the fire. The kimono he had borrowed from Gintoki. The fire sparked higher, little flames dancing to the music of cracking wood. He used the fire to light his cigarette, and then sat down. The breeze was nice, the sun almost down, moon high up in the sky. As he was enjoying the catharsis – burning the kimono – he noticed something sparkling near the water. Curious, he got up and headed towards the shiny object.

He picked up the beer bottle._ Oi oi, how many people are littering on the beach?_ Then, he noticed, there's something in the bottle. His face dropped. _No way... No fucking way. I'm not opening that shit, it might be contagious. It didn't go so well the first time with the Shinpachi kid. And if it's the one Gintoki threw away, then... The world just might end. _

The epic staring contest between Hijikata and the bottle lasted for half an hour, when finally he admitted defeat, and decided to open the bottle. _At least I can make fun of that shit head when I see him. _

His thin fingers twisted the cork. Next, he put the bottle upside down and let the paper fall on his palm. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, preparing mentally for the moment. And then he read the message.

"_Hijikata is a mayora idiot who actually thinks I'm sending some kind of a love message, like I'm a deprived creep like him. I was just littering, you asshole. Gin-san" _

_Crack_. The glass shattered.


End file.
